Beating yourself up
I ruined some film yesterday and I got so angry with myself!
There are a lot of reasons I could write for why I messed it up, a lot of analysis of my behaviour and self-recrimination, but what struck me was how angry and upset I was - totally disproportionately. It scared me.
I messaged my friend who also shoots with film to tell her how upset and disappointed I was, then I messaged my boyfriend a load of self-deprecating nonsense.
"Just feel like I've constantly been doing dumb things recently"
"I was going to say I don't know why this has made me so upset, but I do know and it's because I feel really stupid"
"I can't even get my dumb expansive hobby right"
This made me feel better in some ways - the venting - and worse in others, because I felt like I was exposing this ugly part of myself to other people. I find it hard to tell if I'm handling these emotions better - this ruined my evening, but I did sleep and feel better in the morning, so I think that is an improvement.
Anyway, I got the film developed the next day - in case there were any salvageable photos - and all the photos I cared about came out fine! I am happy about this, but it's also made me reflect on how my terrible mood the previous evening was a complete waste of time.
I've been trying to internalise this, but I find it hard to reconcile how to care about these things that make me happy - taking these photos and getting them printed is really enjoyable and I feel like my mental health does hinge on having these little fun goals for myself - while not caring enough to have it send me into a spiral when these things go wrong. I haven't figured it out yet, and I don't know what the answer is. I need to try and find ways to become more resilient.
A photo of a cat on the street
A photo I took at Bristol Pride 🌈