Depression and shame
I published and un-published a post about a crying melt-down I had and my relationship because it felt too personal. I deeply relate to everyone else posting about their depression and other struggles on here, which makes me feel like a hypocrite.
Tala has written really well about this in their recent post. My main worry was someone I knew would read it. An excerpt from my previous post:
Afterwards it seems so stupid. I could have had a good evening with my friends and my boyfriend if I just hadn't been so miserable. I keep feeling like I'm over crying and then it returns again.
I tried to explain that if I don't get to talk about stuff, it builds up and becomes overwhelming and that's why I'm sad - I don't know if that's true, but sometimes I think it is. That's why I journal so much. But there's other anxieties underneath - will I always live on my own, does anyone love me, that I can't say to anyone because it feels too pathetic.
When I write it out, it feels pretty insignificant and sad and I worry that people I know will judge me, that I'm bringing everyone else down by being miserable for no good reason, that I'm not a good person.
I feel better now, but I don't know when the next time will happen - when I'll feel so overwhelmed by misery in public I'll have to leave. I hate it. I feel like I'm not in control of myself and it scares me.
EDIT: Just read a guardian article about anti-depressants and immediately started thinking about stopping mine - am I that impressionable? It all feels so arbitrary. Does anything actually work? (To be fair, there is a rebuttal to this but that just reinforces my point, I feel).