I hate meditating so much
I feel like this makes me petty and childish and immature. What do you mean you can't sit still for ten minutes? It feels like torture.
This is precisely why I need to do it. It's ludicrous.
I'm going to commit to 5 minutes of meditation a week, then 10, then 20.
In order to actually get the benefit from this I need to not just tolerate it, but actively engage. I think the main skill I need to work on is redirecting my thoughts. In my understanding, meditation isn't trying to quash wandering thoughts. You observe them and allow them to pass, and gently pull your attention back until you get better at doing so.
Generally, because as a child I had a rich inner life (in my teens I worried I was a maladaptive daydreamer), I've a tendency to latch onto any passing thought and cling to it to get me through the session as quickly as possible. Daydreaming my way through things, which has become worse when my thoughts are anxious and negative and I'm unable to leave them.
(Sidenote, but when it comes to these thoughts the CBT approach is helpful - acknowledging we all have quick and automatic thoughts that just ‘pop’ into our minds, that these automatic thoughts are often based on assumptions, and automatic thoughts are often very believable, but they can be inaccurate. You don't have to take your thoughts as gospel.)
I'm hoping this meditation practice will help with my focus and with sleep, too. We'll see.