I'm a recovering romantic
A lot of my friends are breaking up lately.
I don't think I realised how much of a romantic I was until my second breakup, in my late twenties. I always saw myself as kind of a cynic, a realist.
But dating in my thirties I've had to let go of that idea of finding a partner who would know me for most of my life, would be there through all my important life events. Some of those have already happened, now. Now I'm looking at buying a property, and the person I'm dating is too, but we're too wary to buy one together.
I'm mourning the idea of a partner who grew up with me in my twenties, who I'd buy my first house with, who'd help me through these difficult life things. I'm resentful of having to do this on my own.
I'm realising now much of a romantic I was without realising it, how I'd pinned my future on finding that person, a soulmate who'd know me and make up for my shortcomings, know instinctively what to say to make me feel better and less alone and make life less hard.
I've realised how important cultivating friendships are and learning to rely on yourself.
I'm trying to figure out how to date when the partner you want isn't realistic anymore, because the partner I want I would have met ten years ago. Am I holding back because the relationship isn't right, or is it because I'm a disillusioned romantic who feels stupid for ever putting herself out there? How many times can you keep putting yourself out there?
“You know I think that movies are a conspiracy? I mean it. I mean it. They are actually a conspiracy. Because they set you up. They set you up from the time you’re a little kid. They set you up to believe in everything. They set you up to believe in ideals and strength and good guys and romance and, of course, love. Love. So you believe it, right? You go out, you start looking. It doesn’t happen, you keep looking. You get a job and you spend a lot of time fixing up things. Your apartment and jazz and you learn how to be feminine. You know, quotes, ‘feminine.’ You learn how to cook. There’s no Charles Boyer in my life. You know? I never even met a Charles Boyer. I never met Clark Gable, I never met Humphrey Bogart, I never met any of them. You know who I mean. They don’t exist. That’s the truth. But the movies set you up, you know? They set you up, and no matter how bright you are, you believe it.“ Minnie and Moskowitz, 1971