running, planning
Title from this CMAT song - I love her 💗
I love to plan my weeks out. I love to make a list of all the things I need to do in a week and arrange them all. It's very, very satisfying to me. I do this on paper because no matter how good the app it's not as good as having the freedom to lay things out exactly as you want and be as messy as you want (see below).
Example diary pages, one planning out a week of activities and one a doodle illustrating what I want to do with my home server
Inner work is mostly invisible, yet it determines so much of how our lives would unfold. There is nothing to show for it. No measurements, no outward accomplishment. It is not like accumulate badges when we work through our inner battles. I tend to place disproportionate value on what can be seen, but becoming my self is a tedious creative process too. My adhd brain seems to apply to how I view my life, quickly forgetting all the obstacles I’ve worked hard to overcome and instead hyperfocusing on all that I cannot overcome. On Inner Expectations, Winnie Lim
I read Tala's post about saying goodbye to fluoxetine. It made me reflect on taking anti-depressants myself - I started taking sertraline last summer, and intended to come off it this summer - but I never seems like a good time. What's that post about life just being one fucking thing after another? It'll never be a good time so I should just do it. TMI, but I'm terrified it's removed any ability I have to feel desire or sexual pleasure and that makes me sad. But it's much better than when I was sobbing in the lift every morning on the way to work. Is this the only choice I have?
It's scary and it's hard to know the right answer or even if there is one - if you're struggling with this question too, I sympathise and I hope you find your own way through, whatever it is.
This is another post I started in June and only just finished. I wonder if my blog isn't very good for readers - or to put it another way, my writing suffers - because I write like the example in my diary above - unconnected thoughts jotted down that I abandon before doing the work to link, or find a narrative. I need to find a narrative in my life, and about myself. I need to find a new narrative in my life, and about myself because my current one is full of low confidence and doubts and a feeling I'll never get anything right, and I can't live like that, I can't move on.